Monday, May 17, 2010

On a Monday in May

When we meet again
Introduced as friends
Please don't let on that you knew me when
I was hungry and it was your world.

After trading today, I updated my trend tables and decided to run out to the bank and mail box before composing my evening update to subscribers.  I had forgotten that over the weekend I had been playing The Essential Bob Dylan on my iPod, which is plugged into my car's sound system.  Mulling over what insights I might glean from today's volatile trading, I was unceremoniously jarred from the current and thrown into the past as Just Like A Woman came on.

There isn't a woman in my life that doesn't fit the profile in this song.  Nor is there a memory left that isn't tainted by the words above, so poignant, so sad, so painful.  Mr. Macho market trend trader, so invincible, so on top of this financial world, was reduced to tears, silent, aching, tears of mourning, of regret, of isolation and of remorse. 

I passed through some tough personal times earlier this year.  If you haven't noticed, I have come out it OK, maybe even stronger and better then ever.  The problem is, that through it all, I never really had time to mourn the loss of Michelle.  That doomed and short-lived romantic drama was erased as quickly, as inexplicably, as it appeared. Other more pressing matters intervened at the end, taking all of my strength and soul to pass through that time and come out the other side.  But I never got to mourn, to accept, to wonder, to understand the whirlwind that sucked me in and spit me out, yes, it was her world and we just didn't fit.

I thought that the pieces were picked-up.  But I forgot that Dylan was on and that his songs pierce the protective shells that we build just so we can go on.  Poignant, stinging, disarming, his simple words rhyme across decades of loves;  loves found, loves lost and loves remembered. 

And on this Monday in May, a love mourned.


A

5 comments:

Mike said...

you've got a friend up here in NY...the game offer is still on....either the Buffalo or Detroit arena...guess we're looking at next year now.

your blog keeps me focused....taking care of family.

-Mike

Anonymous said...

Dear Allan,

For over 25 years now I have had unanswered questions as to why my first wife, who grew up across the street from me, who was my first kiss when we were in grade school together, who I fell in love with as a young man, latter married and had five children with, would after over twenty years of being together thrust that devastating, crushing blow to my soul when she told me she didn’t love me anymore and left me for another man. The effects of that event has carried through the years to decimate two more relationships the latter of which is a 10 year marriage at its end days now. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago my therapist gave me the title to yet another self help book that he thought might give me some lift. I have to admit I’m somewhat skeptical of these books because I’ve read so many and gained so little from them. This time though was different. For the first time in a very long and painful search the answerers to my questions were revealed. I have truly been set free of my tormented self. I’ve had so much burden, so much stress, so much weight lifted away in such a short period of time it is almost unconscionable. I have such a renewed, refreshed sense of wholeness about myself. I’m not trying to sell you anything here, I’m simply giving you truthful testimony that I cannot express well enough to put into the proper words. If you care to try and find an end to your troubled trek and go a short distance to a genuine feeling of wellness I encourage you to read “Love & Respect” (“The Love She Most Desires/The Respect He Desperately needs) authored by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.

Cory

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear of your suffering Allan.

Suffering is a call for your attention. The few great spiritual teachers tell us that suffering, for the most part, is unnecessary and as a result of seeking happiness externally.

Good luck on your journey. To date, nothing has hurt me more than women and my own lack of understanding and inattention.

Allan said...

Its all about a song, a sense of loss, no one's fault, just another stumble along this journey. The voices of prior loves are still with me, some things will never change. Still, there always was the hope, the expectation of happy endings, driven, relentless, wading through the years.

Well morning comes and you're still with her
And the bus and the tourists are gone
And you've thrown away your choice and lost your ticket
So you have to stay on
But the drumbeat strains of the night remain
In the rhythm of the new-born day
You know sometime you're bound to leave her
But for now you're going to stay
In the year of the cat

Anonymous said...

You need a Czech woman.

Incidentally, right now there are bad raining in Czech & Slovak Rep. and also Hungary -- flooding causing train disruptions. ... This compounds airflight closures out of Amsterdam and England. Not good for Eurozone.

Also zerohedge.com reported earthquakes at larger Katya volcano in Iceland which if blow then game over.