Thursday, May 10, 2007

In my own words

Allan, Lets here you write something original, from your own heart. Tell us in your own words whats really going on. After all, none of us can afford to lose you.

I left last Thursday. Packed my car with all that I am, and drove away. The drive was punctuated with numerous phone calls, with friends, family members and her. By the time I stopped for the night, there was a chance she would fly down to Salt Lake City and we could talk in person. The next morning, those plans fell apart and I drove south toward Las Vegas.

Again, phone calls between us covered a lot of what was wrong. A new plan, hope, materialized. She would meet me in Las Vegas for the weekend and we would take it one day at a time. Friday night, she flew down to Vegas to spend the week-end with me. We enjoyed each other like it used to be. And in our hearts kindled the fire that first drew us together. And we talked, why and what had driven me to leave. The fundamental issues whose shadows cast ominously across the growing distance between us. We can fix this. We are meant to be and we will survive and be stronger from it all.

On Sunday afternoon, I drove on to Phoenix, she flew back to Spokane. We parted optimistic that this was temporary and we had a plan to fix what was wrong and be back together. That was then, this is now. For reasons inexplicable, it feels so over. I am going through withdrawal, am missing her as I would my heart if it stayed behind. And it did.

She and I had something that most only dream of in their lives. We shared an awakening, a coming together, a love that will touch us both for the rest of our lives. The prospect of its demise, of our being apart and now, of what was a happily ever after story book ending never coming to pass, is causing me great emotional pain.

I know she will not like my sharing this here, but this is what I wrote her tonight:

just so you know, from the moment i left,
all i ever needed from you was,
"allan, come home."
if that is what is at the end of this journey, maybe it will still be enough,
or maybe it will be more complicated.
i know now
you were my home
and you will always be
but now
the path seems so uncertain
and i find it so hard
to search for that home
when one already was.
i love you, ib



David M Gordon said...

Hi, Allan,

There is an entire and unexplored universe between this clause, "That was then..." and its follow-up, certainly not subordinate clause "...this is now. For reasons inexplicable, it feels so over.

Care to explore this further? If not for us (publicly) then certainly for you and Ilene.

No matter what, best wishes always to you and Ilene!

Anonymous said...

Like the song says "c'mon Ilene" throw the man a bone already. His heart is clearly aching. I can feel it here all the way across the country.
I am afraid that the wind is in the east and with his track record, he is liable to end up with a speeding ticket.
best regards,

Anonymous said...


I stop by hear and read occasionally. I have never been able to get over my best friend ending our engagement. To this day it breaks my heart and really have lost dirrection as I still cling to hope that I just can't see anymore.

aka SE