Leaving Las Vegas

Room 8057
Mirage Hotel
Las Vegas, Nevada
May 29, 2007
8:30PM (PT)

I am taking a leave of absence from writing this blog as well as responding to all electronic communications from my friends. Since all my friends read my blog, this seems like the most efficient way to let you know I am not responding to emails for awhile, so don't take it personally.

It is time to disappear, reflect, be invisible and find a path to healing.

I will of course continue to trade.

Losing love hurts, but losing it suddenly, inexplicably, devastatingly, will remain one of this life's mysteries, and it will haunt me all my remaining days.

Ironically, my ex-wife Roslyn, who has every reason to hate me, but doesn't, summed it up like this:

"Allan, you are a nice guy and nice guys are hard to find. You deserve better."

A

Sarah

From time to time, I have written about my daughter, Sarah. Here is a link to some of the relevent posts about her.

But none of that matters today. I have just now returned to my rented villa on Seabrook Island, returned from Sarah's most excellent High School Graduation ceremony.

There wasn't a single one of Sarah's teachers that did not come up to me to laud on my Sarah, including Dr. Shirley, the Headmaster, who summed it all up with, "Sarah is special."

Yes, Sarah is special. This was her day and I have never had a prouder moment in my life then when her named was called and Sarah walked across the stage to receive her diploma.

This blog is for all of you who have taken the time to write me about my daughters over the years, after I posted some very personal angst, usually out of desperation to talk to someone, even if it was to a group of anonymous friends.

For this moment, I am beaming.

A

CNBC $1M Portfolio Contest

This is a joke, right? It is fundamentally flawed. Look at the leaders and their respective methodologies. Every one of the top performers got there by taking extraordinary risks in their portfolios of play money, buying massively in front of earnings announcements, buying takeover rumors, buying high risk high reward situations across the board. No one in their right mind trades like that.

If CNBC wants a real contest, make participants put up their own real money, $50,000 per account of their own funds. Now let's see who knows what they're doing.

A

NNBP

This one was brought to my attention by Don Wolanchuk, it's called Nanobac Pharmaceuticals It has only a $24M market cap and is selling at 9-10 cents a share. It was as high as 33 cents a share in November, 2006. I'm in.

A

Stocks and Bulls

Catchy name? I stumbled across this site about a month ago and have had nothing but stellar success with their recommended trades since then. Their concept is a bit longer-term then I am used to, with average hold time a bit under 10 days and with average gains above 5%. Doesn't sound spectacular, but, as you should know by now, when it comes to short-term trading, consistency trumps spectacular where the latter is so elusive and the former is actually doable.

Free trials and inexpensive monthly subscriptions make this trading site easily accessible and worth a visit.

A

Late For The Sky

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGhCy-VRuRg

Phoenix Airport

Waiting for my flight to Charleston SC at the Phoenix airport, a week on the beach with my daughters, on my Sprint EVDO card and Apple Powerbook, traveling alone, what a long, strange trip it's been.

My daughter Sarah graduates High School on May 26th, Charleston Collegiate School and is off to college in the fall. She has had a rough teenage period, finally set straight about one year ago and now is making me one proud papa. There are bonds and there are bonds, the bond between parent and child is such a miracle of nature, nurtured through millions of years of evolution and manifests itself, from time to time, with a cascade of tears, some wet, some invisible, but always, always, empirical proof of the existence of love.

As for your humble servant who presides over AllAllan, I have from time to time used the lyrics and words of others to communicate my travails, especially recently. Sometimes, it has been said perfectly already, so why not borrow perfection when available? You guessed it:

Then take me disappearin' through the smoke rings of my mind,
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves,
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach,
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow.
Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free,
Silhouetted by the sea, circled by the circus sands,
With all memory and fate driven deep beneath the waves,
Let me forget about today until tomorrow.

Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
I'm not sleepy and there is no place I'm going to.
Hey! Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me,
In the jingle jangle morning I'll come followin' you.

A

Cramer YTD

Year to date the S&P is +7.38%
Year to date Jim Cramer is +5.57%

Who on CNBC will confront him on his underperformance?

Two Roulette Picks

NTRZ - getting creamed by 20% this morning on recognition of sales issue from one quarter to the next. Overreaction opportunity?

CAMH - on the other hand this one is up 5% on the CEO buying $189K worth of stock after the close yesterday. Muathe-type breakout pattern suggesting sustained run from here.


A

Some People Change

Some People Change

Here's to the strong; thanks to the brave.
Don't give up hope: some people change.
Against all odds, against the grain,
Love finds a way: some people change.

In my own words

Allan, Lets here you write something original, from your own heart. Tell us in your own words whats really going on. After all, none of us can afford to lose you.


I left last Thursday. Packed my car with all that I am, and drove away. The drive was punctuated with numerous phone calls, with friends, family members and her. By the time I stopped for the night, there was a chance she would fly down to Salt Lake City and we could talk in person. The next morning, those plans fell apart and I drove south toward Las Vegas.

Again, phone calls between us covered a lot of what was wrong. A new plan, hope, materialized. She would meet me in Las Vegas for the weekend and we would take it one day at a time. Friday night, she flew down to Vegas to spend the week-end with me. We enjoyed each other like it used to be. And in our hearts kindled the fire that first drew us together. And we talked, why and what had driven me to leave. The fundamental issues whose shadows cast ominously across the growing distance between us. We can fix this. We are meant to be and we will survive and be stronger from it all.

On Sunday afternoon, I drove on to Phoenix, she flew back to Spokane. We parted optimistic that this was temporary and we had a plan to fix what was wrong and be back together. That was then, this is now. For reasons inexplicable, it feels so over. I am going through withdrawal, am missing her as I would my heart if it stayed behind. And it did.

She and I had something that most only dream of in their lives. We shared an awakening, a coming together, a love that will touch us both for the rest of our lives. The prospect of its demise, of our being apart and now, of what was a happily ever after story book ending never coming to pass, is causing me great emotional pain.

I know she will not like my sharing this here, but this is what I wrote her tonight:


just so you know, from the moment i left,
all i ever needed from you was,
"allan, come home."
if that is what is at the end of this journey, maybe it will still be enough,
or maybe it will be more complicated.
i know now
you were my home
and you will always be
but now
the path seems so uncertain
and i find it so hard
to search for that home
when one already was.
i love you, ib

a

I Want You

The guilty undertaker sighs,
The lonesome organ grinder cries,
The silver saxophones say I should refuse you.
The cracked bells and washed-out horns
Blow into my face with scorn,
But it's not that way,
I wasn't born to lose you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

The drunken politician leaps
Upon the street where mothers weep
And the saviors who are fast asleep,
They wait for you.
And I wait for them to interrupt
Me drinkin' from my broken cup
And ask me to
Open up the gate for you.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

Now all my fathers, they've gone down
True love they've been without it.
But all their daughters put me down
'Cause I don't think about it.

Well, I return to the Queen of Spades
And talk with my chambermaid.
She knows that I'm not afraid
To look at her.
She is good to me
And there's nothing she doesn't see.
She knows where I'd like to be
But it doesn't matter.
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

Now your dancing child with his Chinese suit,
He spoke to me, I took his flute.
No, I wasn't very cute to him,
Was I?
But I did it, though, because he lied
Because he took you for a ride
And because time was on his side
And because I . . .
I want you, I want you,
I want you so bad,
Honey, I want you.

Cactus Tree

There's a man who's been out sailing
In a decade full of dreams
And he takes her to a schooner
And he treats her like a queen
Bearing beads from California
With their amber stones and green
He has called her from the harbor
He has kissed her with his freedom
He has heard her off to starboard
In the breaking and the breathing
Of the water weeds
While she was busy being free

There's a man who's climbed a mountain
And he's calling out her name
And he hopes her heart can hear three thousand miles
He calls again
He can think her there beside him
He can miss her just the same
He has missed her in the forest
While he showed her all the flowers
And the branches sang the chorus
As he climbed the scaley towers
Of a forest tree
While she was somewhere being free

There's a man who's sent a letter
And he's waiting for reply
He has asked her of her travels
Since the day they said goodbye
He writes, "Wish you were beside me
We can make it if we try"
He has seen her at the office
With her name on all his papers
Through the sharing of the profits
He will find it hard to shake her
From his memory
And she's so busy being free

There's a lady in the city
And she thinks she loves them all
There's the one who's thinking of her
There's the one who sometimes calls
There's the one who writes her letters
With his facts and figures scrawl
She has brought them to her senses
They have laughed inside her laughter
Now she rallies her defenses
For she fears that one will ask her
For eternity
And she's so busy being free

There's a man who sends her medals
He is bleeding from the war
There's a jouster and a jester and a man who owns a store
There's a drummer and a dreamer
And you know there may be more
She will love them when she sees them
They will lose her if they follow
And she only means to please them
And her heart is full and hollow
Like a cactus tree
While she's so busy being free
Like a cactus tree
Being free

ISIS

Excellent write-up today on ISIS from David Gordon.

Bought more this morning, will buy even more on dips or on further break-outs.

A

Tom Paxton

It's a lesson too late for the learning
Made of sand, made of sand
In the wink of an eye my soul is turning
In your hand, in your hand.

Are you going away with no word of farewell,
Will there be not a trace left behind ?
I could have loved you better, didn't mean to be unkind
You know that was the last thing on my mind.

You've got reasons a-plenty for going,
This I know, this I know.
For the weeds have been steadily growing,
Please don't go, please don't go.

Are you going away with no word of farewell,
Will there be not a trace left behind ?
I could have loved you better, didn't mean to be unkind,
You know that was the last thing on my mind.

As I lie in my bed in the mornin'
Without you, without you.
Every song in my breast dies a born-in
Without you, without you.

Are you going away with no word of farewell,
Will there be not a trace left behind ?
I could have loved you better, didn't mean to be unkind
You know that was the last thing on my mind.

A

Road Trip

I took off from Spokane Thursday morning, losing it, just a total breakdown. Drove south through Idaho, Utah, and Nevada. Ilene agreed to fly down and meet me in Las Vegas on Friday night. We spent the next 36 hours alternating between relationship soul-searching and being shown the town by local resident David Gordon, who in person is one of the nicest folks I have met in my 15 years of Internet friendships.

For the time being, I am staying with family in Phoenix.

And while the future's there for anyone to change, still you know it's seems
It would be easier sometimes to change the past
I'm just one or two years and a couple of changes behind you
In my lessons at love's pain and heartache school
Where if you feel too free and you need something to remind you
There's this loneliness springing up from your life
Like a fountain from a pool

A

By the time I get to Phoenix

By the time I get to Phoenix she'll be rising
She'll find the note I left hangin' on her door
She'll laugh when she reads the part that says I'm leavin'
'Cause I've left that girl so many times before

By the time I make Albuquerque she'll be working
She'll prob'ly stop at lunch and give me a call
But she'll just hear that phone keep on ringin'
Off the wall that's all

By the time I make Oklahoma she'll be sleepin'
She'll turn softly and call my name out loud
And she'll cry just to think I'd really leave her
Tho' time and time I try to tell her so
She just didn't know I would really go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPLlNSPgLa8